


Safe

by AOBZ



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 19:41:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3908188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOBZ/pseuds/AOBZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I know you. I know you're lying to me. I know you're scared; I'm scared too. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let my fear, or your fear, get in the way." Originally posted on FF.net under the same author/title</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Olivia's stomach dropped when she felt Alex move against her, holding her breath to see what would happen. The last time they had been cuddled like this against the couch, the blonde had sat, tense, against her for only about fifteen minutes before she pulled away and simply sat beside her. Olivia had done nothing to provoke her; Alex had simply become too overwhelmed with her thoughts and needed to move away.

However, this time instead of moving away, Alex leaned closer and rested her right hand on Olivia's left leg. Olivia let her breath out slowly, glad that Alex was still next to her. She was worried about spooking the woman, so she had been extra careful about letting Alex lead the contact. Alex had already told her she would need to take it extra slow, so she'd done her best to let the blonde make all the moves.

Olivia was enjoying the cuddling as much as she could, but she couldn't help but worry. Was Alex uncomfortable? Was she on edge? Was she okay? Was this too much? Should she ask? What was going through her mind?

"Are you doing alright?"

Alex nodded gently.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, Olivia."

"Sorry."

"It's okay." She whispered.

They sat quietly for a moment before Alex started tapping her index finger on Olivia's knee. The brunette knew that this meant that she was thinking. The blonde did the same thing with her pen when she was thinking at her desk. Olivia gave her another minute before finally asking her what she was thinking about.

"I don't know… I don't want you to be so… I know you're not able to enjoy yourself because you're worried about me. I can tell by the way you keep glancing over at me and the fact that you've barely moved an inch since we sat down. You can't be comfortable when you're so tense. You should be with someone who isn't like this. You shouldn't be with someone who is so unstable… I know you can't be yourself with me right now and I hate it. I hate myself for being so fucked up that you can't even relax around me because you're so worried about doing something wrong. I don't want you to be constantly worried about how I'm doing. You should be with someone who is easy to be with."  
Olivia swallowed hard. She knew that this was stemming from their talk a few days ago. Alex had told her that she would need a lot of time and patience because she was very confused. She had told her that she wasn't a relationship person and that she didn't open up easily. Olivia had reassured her and after they had talked, they had sat down to watch a movie. However, not fifteen minutes after the movie had started, Alex pulled away from the brunette and told her it was too much and that she needed her space. Olivia had offered to bring her home but Alex shook her head. She was confused, but she still wanted to be with the brunette. Halfway through the movie, she had moved her hand over to 

Olivia's and held it for the rest of the film. That had been enough for Olivia. She knew that gesture meant that Alex was trying and that's all that mattered.

Olivia brought herself back from her thoughts and looked at Alex.

"You are easy to be with, Alex. I want to be around you. I only worry because I don't want to scare you. I don't want to do anything to startle you, and I don't want to move too fast for you." Olivia paused. "I want to do this the right way. I want you to feel safe and I want you to be able to open up because I don't want to be with anyone else; I only want you."  
Despite the fact that they were both covered by a blanket, Alex shivered against her.

"I know I have to be patient with you, Alex. As long as you're honest with me, I can do that. I can give you what you need if you let me."

The blonde played with an imaginary thread on Olivia's knee, fighting the tears in her eyes.

"I'm pretty messed up, Olivia. I don't let people get close to me. I haven't considered it in such a long time. The dates I've been on recently are only to keep up appearances… I haven't done this for real for a very long time."

Olivia nodded in understanding.

"I know, but I want to try, Alex. I really do. I don't want to pressure you, and I don't want to make you feel unsafe. You're in control of everything that happens or doesn't happen between us. You're in charge, okay? If you don't want to do something, we won't. If you want to take it slow, we will. If you need time to think, that's okay too. You're not going to scare me away, Alex. I'm going to be here no matter what you decide."

They had had this conversation before, but Olivia suspected the blonde needed to have it again. She might even need to have it again after this one too. The brunette didn't mind. She'd have it twenty more times if Alex needed to. She knew that Alex was scared and confused, and the brunette wanted to do whatever she could to help her. She just wished she knew what the blonde needed to hear. She tried her best to comfort her, and she meant what she said. She only wanted Alex to feel safe with her.

Alex sat quietly, fighting the tears, scratching at Olivia's jean covered knee. She pulled at the blanket on her lap and bit her bottom lip. A million things were running through her mind, mostly negative things about herself, but when Olivia asked her if she wanted to try, she did something she hadn't done in years: she allowed herself an ounce of hope. She bit her bottom lip harder and nodded against Olivia's bicep.

"I really do." She managed to choke out before she burst into tears.

Olivia, careful not to startle her, turned towards the blonde and pulled her closer. Alex wrapped her arms around the woman's neck and moved onto her lap. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's back, holding her close under the blanket. Alex cried into her neck, sobs racking her body. She was petrified of everything that would come in the future, and she wasn't even sure if she would be able to do this. She didn't know how to let someone get close to her. She had spent most of her life pushing people away, because the one time she had let someone in, they had hurt her worse than she'd ever been hurt in her life. She had vowed to never let anyone else have that kind of power over her, but Olivia had snuck into her heart despite Alex's best efforts to keep her out. The brunette was so kind, caring, thoughtful, loving, and she was everything Alex had been craving. She had tried to convince herself she didn't want her and that she didn't need her, but the truth was, Alex wanted to want her. She wanted the detective to break through her walls and love her. She tried to fight it, but it was useless.

Last time they had talked, Olivia had planted a thought in her mind, and it was that thought that had broken down the walls in her mind, the walls that would normally keep her from allowing herself to consider something like trying a relationship with Olivia. Alex had been guarded her whole life, and she very rarely let anyone get close to her. But Olivia had continually chipped away at her walls and barriers, until one day, Alex had finally broken down.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Olivia was taken aback by the sudden change in Alex. Just a moment ago they were arguing, and now Alex had dropped to near silence with her question.

"Why are you fighting this?"

"Because Alex. I know you. I know you're lying to me. I know that you want to. I know you're scared; I'm scared too. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let my fear, or your fear, get in the way. I care about you, more than you realise. I just want you to give me a chance. I want you to let me in. I'm not going to stop fighting until I get through your walls and I prove to you that this is different. We are different. You can do this if you'd just let yourself. You're not a horrible person, Alex. You're not undesirable or repulsive or anything else you think you are. You are unbelievably attractive and you are one of the best people I know. If you would just let me in, I could show you what I feel for you."

Alex had calmed down, letting the memory of Olivia's words flow through her mind. The more time she spent with Olivia, the more she revealed. She was so scared that the brunette would discover her real self and that the woman would turn her away in disgust.

She wasn't sure why Olivia wanted to be with her, because frankly, she didn't think she deserved her. The brunette would never want to be with her if she knew everything about Alex, if she knew every one of her secrets. Olivia was a good friend, and they had been getting closer and closer with each passing week, going to the movies, having dinner together, calling one another on the phone, but she couldn't help but feel petrified.

The blonde buried her face in Olivia's neck and took a deep breath, pushing the fear away long enough to enjoy the feeling of the strong arm around her lower back and the soothing hand on her back for at least a couple of minutes.

"What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

Alex moved her head towards Olivia.

"I'm scared to let you in. I'm scared of what you'll think when you see me."

It scared Alex to be honest, but she wanted to tell her what was on her mind. She trusted Olivia to make her feel better.

Olivia pulled Alex so that she was facing her. Alex tried to avert her eyes, but the detective slid her index finger beneath her chin and waited until their eyes met.

"You're not the only one who is scared and has demons, Alex. You're not going to scare me off, no matter how dark and terrible you think they are. I know you. You are a wonderful, caring, gentle woman, and I know that we can make each other very happy if we try."

The brunette stroked Alex's cheek and smiled warmly. The blonde swallowed the knot in her throat and nodded.

"I'm sorry I'm being so emotional. I just… the way I feel about you is scary."

"Why?"

"Because it's so strong. It's been a long time since I let myself feel this way about someone. It's hard to consider this. I can't believe I am. I'm scared."

Olivia smiled.

"I know you are, but I'll be here to help you feel safe. You're not alone, Alex. I know you have been for a long time, but you're not anymore. You can depend on other people too. I hope you can learn to feel safe with me one day."

"I think I could." She whispered.

Olivia felt her lips smile wider.

"I'm glad. And I'm glad you are opening up to the idea of you and I."

Alex, feeling a smile creeping on her face, glanced away before looking back at the woman. She searched Olivia's eyes and felt such safety. Just sitting with her could bring her such comfort and peace. She felt her body relax into the woman. She smiled gently at her.

"I didn't really have much of a choice but to open up to you."

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Because you're too much of a beautiful person for me to just pass up. I know I have issues, but I want to work on them with you…I want to try with you. I want this. You scare me, but you make me feel safe. If that makes sense…"

Olivia nodded. Alex cocked her head at the sudden smile that formed on the brunette's face.

"What?"

"I just love seeing this side of you, this beautiful, gentle, fragile yet strong side of you. I'm so used to seeing you kick ass and showing the world how tough you are, which you are, but it's kind of nice to see you looking so… vulnerable but relaxed." Olivia paused. "I want to take care of you."

Olivia tucked a piece of hair behind Alex's ear before cupping the side of her cheek. The women smiled at one another. After a moment, the blonde's smile faltered slightly. She stared at Olivia intently before bringing herself closer to her face, stopping after a few inches. She tilted her head and brought herself closer, alternating between looking at the brunette's eyes and lips.

Olivia knew what was happening, but she couldn't believe it. This would be their first kiss, their first intimate contact, and she could feel her heart pumping in her chest. She didn't have time to feel nervous; all she could do was anticipate it. She gently licked her lips, unknowingly sending shivers up Alex's spine, and when their lips met, she let out a small moan of satisfaction.

Alex's lips were perfect and soft, gently gliding across her own, sending waves of arousal and pleasure down her body. She felt her stomach drop as Alex pushed her lips harder against her own and brought her hand up to cup the back of Olivia's neck. The brunette groaned against her mouth, bringing her hands to the blonde's hips and gently resting them there.

Alex traced her tongue across Olivia's lips, requesting entrance. The brunette's mouth opened and when their tongues met, Alex couldn't help the tears that fell softly on her cheeks. She had never felt so safe, so loved, so cared for. Everything felt so right in that moment, sitting on Olivia's lap, in the woman's protective embrace. She knew that Olivia would never let anything bad happen to her, and she trusted the woman to take care of her. Olivia had done nothing but protect her since the moment in which they had met, and she trusted the woman to do the same with her heart.

Alex had been waiting for years to feel such safety and security, and she couldn't help the tears of relief that fell onto her cheeks. When she finally pulled away from Olivia's lips, she rested her head on the woman's shoulder.

"Thank you for making me feel safe, Olivia."

Olivia wrapped her arms securely around Alex.

"You are always safe with me."

The blonde snuggled closer and nodded into her shoulder. She believed her and it was a welcome feeling. For the first time in a very long time, Alex felt genuinely happy.  
________________________________________


	2. Chapter 2

Elliot had been worrying about his partner for the last couple of weeks. She just hadn't been herself. He knew that she was a workaholic but lately it was ridiculous. When he arrived in the morning, she was at her desk, and when he left at night, she was still there- with no signs of leaving. She had quiet lately, withdrawn. She was doing her job properly, but that spark that was once there was gone. Lately it seemed she was constantly distracted and it was starting to really worry him. There was something on her mind and he knew it. He just didn't know what it was because she had never brought it up. Elliot had waited, but after two weeks of having a quiet and withdrawn partner, he had had it. He needed to confront her. So, after their shift, Elliot approached Olivia's desk and waited for her to look up at him.

"You heading out?" she asked.

"In a minute. You gonna stay late again?"

"Probably. There's some phone calls I wanna make to see if we can go visit some people tomorrow."

Elliot nodded, waiting to see how he should approach the topic.

"Don't you think you've been working a lot lately?"

Olivia shrugged.

"There's been a lot of work lately."

"No more than usual, Liv. What's going on? I know something's up."

She sighed. She could tell by his tone that he was serious about wanting to talk.. She ran a hand through her hair and looked down at the papers on her desk before looking back up at him.

"I know something's on your mind."

Olivia stayed quiet for a moment. She shook her head and looked away.

"I don't know what to do."

"What's going on?"

"Alex. She's withdrawn from me and I don't know what to do. It's been weeks."

Elliot knew Olivia had started something with Alex, but she hadn't brought it up and he had assumed that things were going well. He knew how long she had been into the blonde and when it finally happened, he had been ecstatic for her. However, now it troubled him to hear that things weren't going well.

"What's wrong? Have you tried talking to her?"

Olivia nodded.

"I don't know what's up though. Something's going on but she won't open up."

"Do you have an idea?"

"Not really. I don't really know what's going on because she won't let me in."

"Maybe you just need to be straight with her, Liv. You need to tell her what's going on and what you're going through. Maybe she just needs reassurance. She needs to open up sooner or later because, realistically, how long can you keep going on like this? It's eating you up."

"I know."

He nodded.

"Are you sure you don't know what it is?"

She sighed.

"I'm not sure. I mean, I suspect but I'm not positive… She been pushing me away and no matter what I do, she won't let me get close. We were good for a while but… she has her walls and won't let me in. I tried and I haven't given up yet, but I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. I don't  _want_  to give up but I don't know if I should keep pushing or what. I gave her time and space, but nothing is changing. I'm going crazy."

Elliot felt his heart tug for his friend. He knew how much she liked and cared for Alex, even before the two had started being more than just friends. To see her hurting now like this, it made him feel helpless.

"Liv, Alex is an honest person. She probably isn't pushing away you to hurt you. Odds are she's hurting just as much as you are, and is probably just as confused. Unless you want things to end with her, you should go talk to her."

Olivia sighed and nodded.

"I know. I just… It's hard to get up the nerve to go to her."

"Eventually you gotta decide what's more important: her… or your fear?"

Elliot waited a moment for her to respond, but she didn't.

"Go talk to her, Liv."

With that, Elliot squeezed her shoulder and left the precinct.

* * *

 

She yanked her coat from the back of her chair and half walked, half jogged to her car. She could feel the adrenaline pumping through her body. She had no idea what she would say to the blonde, but she refused to think about it because if she did, she would probably scare herself into going home.

Olivia hopped in her car and made her way to Alex's apartment. She distracted herself by singing along to music, but once she found herself riding the elevator up and then standing before the blonde's door, she froze. She hadn't even checked the time. Would Alex still even be up?

The brunette glanced down at her watch. 9:46 pm. It was late, but Alex would probably still be awake. She bit her bottom lip and raised her fist. She felt herself hesitating, her knuckles a few inches from the door. Before she could chicken out, she knocked.

Olivia could feel her heart pumping in her chest as she waited for Alex to open the door. It had been a week since she'd seen the woman outside of work and almost three days since they had spoken at all. A million things were running through her mind, but when the blonde opened the door, Olivia's heart and mind stopped dead in their tracks.

"Hey."

The detective swallowed hard and took a deep breath.

"Hi," the brunette responded.

"You're here kind of late."

Olivia detected no coldness in the woman's comment, but she also didn't hear any kind of warmth either.

"I know. Sorry. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

Alex moved out of the way and let the detective in. Olivia noticed the pile of paperwork on the blonde's coffee table and felt slightly guilty for interrupting the woman when she was working. She knew that Alex hated to be disturbed when she was concentrated.

Alex closed the door and followed the brunette into the living room, wondering what Olivia needed to discuss at this hour. She could tell by the detective's demeanour that it wasn't work related, and she was dreading what the woman would have to say. She knew that things weren't going so well lately and she knew they would have to talk. She was not looking forward to this talk.

She closed her folders and moved them onto the kitchen table. She offered Olivia something to drink, trying to do her best to delay the inevitable, but the woman declined. Alex could feel herself starting to get nervous so she sat down and forced a smile.

"It's been a while since we've seen each other."

Alex nodded. "Yeah… It has."

"I've missed you."

"I missed you too."

Olivia looked at her. Alex looked tired. Maybe Elliot was right. Maybe she had been just as miserable. What had been going through her mind? Was she having second thoughts? She knew Alex had been having a hard time since the beginning, but she never found out why. She had thought in time that the blonde would tell her of her own volition, but after this much time, it seemed that Olivia would have to ask.

"What?"

Olivia snapped back to reality.

"What is it you came here for Olivia? I know there's a reason."

"I just wanted to see you."

Olivia cursed herself as the lie slip past her lips.

"You and I both know that's a lie."

Olivia nodded.

"Yeah, we do. Sorry. I just…" Olivia trailed off, thinking of the right way to phrase what she was feeling. She swore at herself, angry for not having come up with something on the way here.

"I don't know where to start Alex."

"What's on your mind?"

"You know what's on my mind."

Alex nodded but didn't respond, waiting for Olivia to continue instead. Olivia sighed when she realised Alex wasn't going to jump in.

"This. You. You let me get close but then as soon as I feel like I'm really connecting, you push me away. Lately it's been getting worse. You don't call me back, you don't text me back. Or, you text me a few days later. You're withdrawn. I can tell you've pushed me away, Alex, and that hurts. I care about you a lot and I only want you to let me in. I don't know what happened, what I did, or what I can do to make it better, but I want to try. I'm not saying I'm going anywhere, and I can give you more time if you need it, but I need to know what you want. I'm not trying to push you. I just want you to open up to me and let me in. Give me a chance."

Alex dug her nails into the palm of her hand to keep from crying. She could tell that Olivia was hurting, and she felt incredibly guilty. The truth was, it wasn't anything that Olivia was doing. It was her, Alex. She had problems, problems she hadn't yet discussed with Olivia.

She knew that Olivia needed to hear the truth, but she didn't want to talk about it. However, she knew she had to. She owed it to the brunette. Olivia was a good woman and she had been nothing but loving and patient with her. She knew she deserved the truth. She wanted Olivia. She wanted this to work. She had wanted the woman since she had first met her, but she was scared. She didn't know if she could do this.

"Alex?"

The blonde looked up at Olivia, still fighting back tears. The brunette felt the guilt pulling at her heart and she wanted to offer the blonde comfort, but she didn't dare move closer. She didn't want to invade Alex's space, so she stayed where she was.

Alex sighed heavily before swallowing hard and starting to explain.

"I have a hard time letting people in. I… I haven't had a relationship in," Alex paused, trying to remember, "over four years. You're the first person I have been unsuccessful in rejecting from my heart. I've tried to not like you, but I can't. You're too good of a person. I want to be with you… but I'm scared."

Alex bit her bottom lip, wiping away at her tears.

"What are you scared of?"

"Me. You. Us. Mostly me."

"Why?"

Alex picked at her pyjama bottom.

"I'm afraid of showing you who I really am, Liv. Once you get too close… I'm afraid you'll hate what you see."

Olivia had to suppress the urge to jump over to the other side of the couch, wrap her arms around Alex and tell her she was fantastic and that there was no way she could hate her. However, she could tell that the blonde had more to say, so instead, she sat and gave her an encouraging smile.

"I know everyone has demons. I know everyone has their personal… problems, but mine are fucked up. I'm pretty fucked up."

Alex sighed, shaking her head. She couldn't believe she was going to be talking about these things. She never told anyone her problems. The only difference was, she knew that if she really wanted Olivia and she really wanted this to work, she had to be honest.

"I was in a really bad relationship… for years. It took me even longer to work through what she did to me, and even now, she's still there. I can still hear her in my head. When we sit too close together, when you hold me, I can hear her in my head and I fucking hate it. I want to be with you, I've been trying to work past her, but just when I take a step forward, I feel like I take two steps back. I want this, but I feel like I can't have it."

"Why?"

Alex wiped her eyes before continuing.

"Because I don't deserve it. Because I'm crazy. Because of what she did. Because of what you'll have to deal with. Because you're too good for me. Because I'm scared. What if you get close to me, what if you see how I really am? What happens when you don't like what you see? This is a burden you don't deserve to carry."

Olivia wanted to jump in again, but she forced herself not to. All of her years at SVU had taught her to really read what someone said, and she knew if she asked the right questions, she would get the answers she was looking for, as well as more information. She had a sick feeling she knew which question to ask her now, but she wasn't sure she could handle the answer.

"Like she didn't?"

Alex snapped her head up at her. She had been ashamed and looking down at her knees, but as soon as Olivia asked the question, she couldn't help but to look up at her.

"What?"

"You're afraid I won't like what I'll find, just like before? With her?"

Alex's eyes welled up with tears and she couldn't fight them this time. She burst into tears, sobs racking her body.

Olivia knew that she wouldn't get much more from the blonde right now, so she moved closer to her and pulled her into her arms. She pulled the woman onto her lap, holding her tight and tucking her head under her chin. Alex didn't resist, so Olivia held one arm protectively around her and rubbed her back with the other. She held her tight as the woman continued to cry, bewildered at what she'd been told so far.

Olivia was confused and she wasn't sure what to make of the information she had been given so far. It was upsetting to her, and clearly there was a lot weighing down hard on the blonde. So, Alex's ex had told her she didn't like who she was? She didn't like her as a person? How could someone not like her? Alex was one of the best people she knew.

As Olivia stroked the woman's back, she couldn't help but feel bad about herself that Alex thought that she, Olivia, would hate her when she really got to know her. Who was this woman who had told Alex that she was less than a beautiful person? There was no way that Olivia could hate what she'd discover. The more that she got to know the blonde, the more that she fell for her. Alex was amazing.

Olivia could feel her anger start to boil at the thought that someone made Alex feel less than the amazing person she was, but she still didn't know the whole story, so she pulled herself from her thoughts and focused on the blonde in her arms.

She kissed Alex's temple and kept her lips there for several seconds. She couldn't deny it. She loved her, and she hated seeing her in this kind of anguish. She pulled away and wrapped both arms around the woman, holding her close.

Alex's sobbing had since subsided, and she was left with just the tears running down her cheeks. She buried her face in Olivia's neck, tucking her arms behind the brunette's back. She felt so safe in her arms, and she craved that comfort. She still had a million things running through her mind, and she felt horribly ashamed, but she allowed herself to accept Olivia's embrace.

Olivia held Alex tight with one arm and leaned over to grab the box of Kleenex from the coffee table. She offered one to the woman, who gave her a grateful smile. She took a few and wiped her eyes, blew her nose, and sighed heavily.

"I look like shit now." She stated, trying to insert a little humour into the conversation.

Olivia tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"You look beautiful."

She knew she said something wrong when she felt Alex tense in her arms. The woman then slid off of her lap and moved back to where she was earlier. Olivia wanted to kick herself in the ass for making the woman go, but at the same time, it was the truth. Alex still looked just as beautiful.

"Don't, okay?"

"Don't what?"

"Just don't."

Olivia, slightly confused, just nodded.

Alex sighed and stayed quiet for a few minutes before she gathered up the strength to continue. She might as well just bare it all here and now. She'd kept it to herself long enough.

"She was the first girl I really fell in love with. I had seen other people before her, but she was the first one I was really into. Things were great you know, with her. She treated me well and I loved her."

Alex's voice lowered and she looked away from Olivia, down to her knees.

"Things changed after… I don't really remember now. It was kind of slow, subtle. She would start deciding things and I would just go along with them. Then she lost her job and moved in with me, so I got a second job to support us and pay for school. But then she complained that I was spending too much time away from her, so I had to leave school. She never got another job so I was working as much as I could to support us. I didn't know at the time that she was racking up cellphone bills under my name, calling her friends in another state. I found that out after we broke up and found out I owed my credit card company four thousand dollars.

Things started to change and she got distant- telling me she needed space, so we broke up. She moved out, but I still loved her, so we kept in touch. She told me she needed some things to change, so I changed for her. I loved her so I did what she wanted. She moved back in and things were good for a while, but then she started just… saying things that weren't very nice. Like, that she didn't really like it when I touched her. Or that she wasn't feeling in the mood to cuddle. When we'd sleep in the same bed, she'd move far away from me and would get upset if I got too close to her side of the bed. Things continued like that for a year or something, escalating, before she broke it off again. This time, we didn't talk and we were apart for months, till one day she showed back up on my doorstep crying and I took her back."

Alex shook her head.

"I'm a fucking idiot for doing it, but I still did it. When things got bad that third time, they got really bad. I was no longer allowed to touch her at all, because when I did, she'd tell me I was fucking disgusting and to get away from her. She'd tell me she hated that I had blonde hair, so I dyed it brown. But then, when it was brown, she said that looked bad too. She hated that I wore glasses but said I didn't look any better without them. She told me I wasn't smart enough for law school and that I'd never succeed at it, and because I trusted her, I believed her. I did everything I could to make her happy. She told me I laughed too much, so I'd try to laugh less. Then she'd tell me I was too serious, too sad, and that I depressed her because of it. She told me she was disgusted by me and that she didn't know what she saw in me. She said she regretted me… dating me…"

Alex had cried so much earlier that she couldn't cry anymore. She felt numb. She felt dirty. She felt ashamed and exposed. She felt angry. She was petrified of what Olivia thought of her now. She was an idiot and she knew it. She shouldn't have taken her ex back as many times as she did, she shouldn't have listened to her lies, but she did. And she was an idiot for doing so.

"Whenever I'm near you, all I can think of is what she'd say. That I'm disgusting and that I shouldn't touch people. No matter how hard I try, I can't escape her voice in my ears. I'm ashamed of what I allowed her to do to me, and I'm ashamed and embarrassed and mortified that I told you. I'm ashamed that I had to tell you. I'm scared of what you think of me. I feel so exposed in front of you now. I can just imagine what you're thinking."

Olivia had let the tears run down her face as Alex spoke, powerless to stop them. Her heart had just been torn from her chest and stomped on repeatedly, shredded at what Alex was telling her. Her first reaction was rage, and she still felt that anger, but seeing Alex so broken made her heart break.

"I've healed a lot… from her. Or I thought I had. But I hadn't tried anything since her. You're the first one and now I'm finding I'm having a really hard time because I feel torn. I want this, I want you. But I'm scared. I'm just so confused. I'm so confused."

Olivia sighed heavily, unsure of what to say or where to start. She was feeling so many things and had so many thoughts running through her mind that she didn't know what to address first. She didn't think that this was the time to address the absolute bullshit lies Alex's ex had fed to her, but God did she ever want to.

She slid over to where Alex was, moving close enough to be near her, but not quite close enough that she was touching her. She didn't want to initiate any contact in case the blonde wasn't ready for it.

"To be honest Alex, I don't even know where to start. I have a million things running through my mind and I'm feeling about fifty different emotions."

Olivia took a moment to collect her thoughts before starting.

"I guess I want to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for sharing this with me. I know this was incredibly hard and I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. Thank you for reliving that so that I could understand. Thank you for opening up to me. We can't work, this can't work, unless we're honest with one another and we trust the other enough to be honest. Or, at the very least, take a chance and open up and be honest. You did that just now. You took a chance, and I hope I show you how great of a decision that was. I promise to do my best to not make you regret it. I really don't think I will.

I know I only heard a glimpse of everything you went through, of everything you're feeling, but if you let me, I promise to be as supportive as you need me to be. I can be what you need. I can be patient, and I can be understanding, as long as you're honest with me.

I need to address one thing though. I don't think you're disgusting, Alex. I don't think you're repulsive. I don't think it's gross, and I don't hate it when you touch me. To be frank, I love it when you touch me and I crave it. Your touches make me feel good, and they make me feel loved. No one makes me feel the way you do. The way you smile at me, the way you talk, walk, move… no one makes me stop dead in my tracks like you do.

Whatever happened in your past, we can work through together. I will listen when you need to talk, I will back off when you need space, and I will be here when you need me. I will do whatever I can to make you feel comfortable and safe, and if you need me to do something I will do it. If you need me to stop doing something, I can do that too. We can work through anything as long as you're honest with me. Nothing you say to me will disgust me or make me hate you. Nothing you say will make me change my mind about you or about how I feel about you."

Olivia brought herself closer and made Alex look at her. When their eyes met, she resumed talking.

"But let's make one thing clear Alex: I really like you. I like you a lot. Nothing you say can change that. Every new thing I learn about you, every new thing you show me, makes me fall even harder for you. I will never hate you. I will never be repulsed by the 'real you.' You are a beautiful person, Alex. And the more I get to know you, the more that statement is proven to be true. There is no one I want more than you, and nothing will change that."

Alex could no longer hold it in. She had forced herself to believe Olivia's words, because the brunette never lied to her. Olivia never lied, ever, and if Alex trusted anyone's word, it was Olivia's. So, when the brunette started talking, Alex struggled. Everything the brunette was saying went against what was going through her mind, and she had a hard time accepting what was being said. She desperately wanted to believe her, but she couldn't just yet. She was still too hurt. She craved what Olivia offered, and she hoped that she didn't fuck it up eventually.

Alex didn't try to stop the tears that flowed down her cheeks, nor did she resist when Olivia pulled her back into her arms. The brunette comforted her like no one else did or could, and she desperately wanted to be comforted. She wanted her. And she was grateful for Olivia's patience, for her protection, and the safety that she offered.

"Thank you, Olivia."

The brunette kissed her temple in response and gave her an affectionate squeeze.

"You deserve the best, Alex. You're amazing and if anyone thought any differently, they were incredibly mistaken. You're one of the best people I know, and I will spend all the time in the world to show that to you, to be with you. I like you a lot, Alex. A lot. You're an amazing person."

"Even after all that?"

"Especially after all that."

Alex pulled away and looked into Olivia's eyes. She brought her hand up to stroke the woman's cheek, feeling nothing but sheer love for the woman before her. She was torn, she was broken, but through it all, she felt Olivia's affection.

"You're the most gentle and loving person I know."

Alex leaned forward and pressed her lips to Olivia's. She gave her a slow, soft kiss, hoping that it would convey everything that she could not put into words.

"I know it'll take a lot of patience, and a lot of time, but I want this." Alex stated.

Olivia kissed her forehead and smiled.

"Then it's a good thing we have our entire lives ahead of us. I don't plan on going anywhere, Alex. I'll be here until you don't want me here anymore."

"I don't want that to happen. I don't plan on it."

"Good. Then I'm yours forever."

With that, Olivia wrapped her arms around the blonde and they sat there, on the couch, warm in each other's embrace, for the rest of the night.

 

Fin. 

 


End file.
